Holiday Traditions Part 2

Everyone must come at the same time is the rule. We open presents at the same time: Only thing is that we open one each, one at a time. One Christmas came together at midnight Christmas Eve. We have also gone from mealtime to mealtime, opening gifts. Piles are established as one of the young or most out-going youngsters is dubbed the go-fer. Some younger ones strangely don't get very far before an older one takes over their unwrapping.. There are designated used-wrap points. Don't get to close to one and get wrapped up. You must also designate the one to chronicle who gave who what so that theoretically thankyou's are sent after-the-fact.

It's like one of those I Love Lucy and the conveyor belt things: The gifts seem to magically replicate themselves under the tree. Just like they did outside the front door every day as delivery vans pulled up and on the count of three they knocked on your door, scurried back to their trucks and drove off before you could get to the door. Some how they received extra credit if they made a clean get-a-way. Rain or shine or dark of night couldn't deter them from there appointed targets. One envisions night-vision goggles, earphones and a self-destructing tape.

When the last gift-wrapping is shredded, the random camera flashes will be replaced with a grand finale of flashes reminiscent of 4th of July as every combination of siblings, heritages, creed, religious affiliation and national origin is photographed and documented for next year's Christmas letter.

Everyone also had to participate in the formal sit down dinner complete with genuine tea gasses (the tea had to be brewed); good china that has to be washed before using; the requisite silver place settings that have to be polished before using (The Brasso taste is necessary to some recipes) and include every known specialty knife, fork, spoon or serving utensil; napkin holders; real cloth Christmas napkins; real butter you can't spread on concrete without damaging the concrete, much less a roll; decorative salt & pepper shakers that hold 4 grains of salt and 6 grains of pepper; pepper grinders stout enough to clean golf balls; and the polished, solid wood dining table that you're allowed to touch two days a year at Thanksgiving and Christmas. All this must be ceremoniously blessed like the fishing fleet with a hub-bub of humanity presided over with a soliloquy only a couple words shy of King Lear with lots of "Father's", "Jesus's", and "Almighty's" punctuated with the word "blessings." No fidgeting allowed and you better keep your eyes closed because the Pope can see thru his/her eyelids.

When everyone has exceeded their limits of tolerance, naps, inane parlor games and family feuds just before it becomes the dreaded Day After Christmas, the last one leaves the scene of the tumult.

Now every thing reverses except the loot piles which must remain untouched for 3 months before they can be assimilated into the vortex we cal our milieu. Grandma can then stencil an image of Santa on the door frame or her sewing basket. Amen.